Handicapping the Handicapped (the Rock & Roll Hall of Shame)

Here's recovering addict Chaka Khan, checking into the Maryport Marras, where they have honored her with her own luxury suite, complete with complimentary fly paper. 

The list of NOMINEES for the Hall of Fame in fabulous Cleveland includes a lot of names. That's all, names. Many of them meaningless. But let's handicap their odds. 

Pearl Jam: 2-3  A sure thing. When it comes to being well-known long-enduring and influential Pearl Jam is like AIDS.

Tupac Shakur: 2-3  The token Nigga will HAVE to get in,  even if rap is NOT rock. His hologram will be on hand to accept. 

Electric Light Orchestra: 2-5  To quote Randy Newman: "I love that ELO." British gambling sites are refusing to accept wagers. According to Steve Bunce, "Jeff Lynne grew the beard because without it, he looked like Henry Cooper's butt."   

Journey: 2-5 Screamy arena rock is ALWAYS welcome. Go ahead and scream "BROOOOOSE." You'd sound like an ostrich fart screaming "Jerrrrr-neeeeee." 

Yes: 2-6 Oh, YES, who doesn't LOVE "Roundabout" and the rest of that hyper-pretentious garbage? Who will show up on stage? Emerson, Lake and Palmer? The Guess Who? Paul McCartney singing "Yes, Turdy?" 

The Cars: 2-5 Another sure thing. Can anyone forget the trout-mouthed punk moping his way through "Let The Good Times Roll?" Which had the same melody as "My Best Friend's Girl?" The Cars were The Ramones for hicks who hate New York. 

Depeche Mode: 6-1  The fags were always in douche mode. They didn't come up with anything except music to flush the anal cavity by. 

The Zombies: 6-1 They had a few psych hits? They had FEW psych hits. "She's Not There" still holds up, "Time of the Season" doesn't. If Boko Harum didn't get it, THEY WON'T. Do Rod and Ringo buy the same brand of beard-dye?

Jane's Addiction: 8-1 Nobody remembers who Jane was, or what she was addicted to. Sick band name and forgettable music. Who are they again? 

Janet Jackson: 15-1 What the fuck for? Because she exposed one of her gobular brown globes at a Super Bowel Game? For being a Jackson who still has dark skin? 

Chaka Khan: 15-1 Janet Jackson with worse drugs, a blobbier waist, and lousier taste in music.

J. Geils Band: 15-1 Isn't this Steppenwolf with another name, and a decade too late? 

Steppenwolf: 15-1 Isn't this J. Geils Band, just earlier? One good song does not mean "Hall of Fame" Just ask Barry Gooker, who will be praying to Christ for a second chance when he visits churches to sing sanctimonious religious twaddle.  

MC5: 15-1 If you scored enough drug money, you bought these assholes, as a throw-in after you bought J. Geils, Steppenwolf and The Stooges. Some geezers actually know that MC5 did NOT record "Kum On, Feel Da Noize." They recorded, "Kick Off The Jammies And Let's Sleep Naked." 

Kraftwerk:  15-1  There's a chance that now that Uber is taking over the world, they will FORCE the hall to accept these Lipstick Nazis. Vee arr der robots...(see, they were only following orders.) 

Joe Tex: 15-1  Everyone's forgotten him, but not his bloody sister, Ko Tex. 

Joan Baez: 20-1 She's a folkie. Rap niggas get a break, but not folkies, even a LATINA. Singing a putdown of Dylan does not mean you get into the hall, lady. Gotta admit, after a few songs, her voice is awfully naggy, which ain't niggy or jiggy. 

Bad Brains: 40-1 Who the fuck are they? 

Barclays Center: 100-1  Not the original name of Bad Brains. This is just the name of the venue where the winners will be announced, and those who actually voted for The Cars, Journey etc. do have BAD BRAINS. The venue is also where Chaka Khan is currently employed, cleaning out the ladies rooms. She was fired at Maryport Marras for dumping cigarette butts from under the bed into the toilet. Or for dumping clogged shit from in the toilet to under a bed.