Crystal's Clear

Who's the old guy? The one who is sick of shaving and figures salt-and-pepper stubble is ok? The one who had an amazing receding hairline and finally decided to wear a stupid "old man" hat instead? The one who needs glasses to sit and watch schvatzas play basketball? 



Yeah, that guy. The last time anyone saw him was at the funeral for Muhammad Ali. He performed his excellent monologue about Ali's career, the one Muhammad himself admired enough to call Billy "Little Brother." 

No longer cast in light romantic comedies, he's spent the past five years or so touring with his one-man nostalgia show. He's also written a comic memoir, talking about some of the miseries of aging. It's more truth than hilarity. Here are a few choice quotes:

"They say the Internet is for everybody. Except the newspapers it put (out) of business, the music industry it crippled, the bookstores that are now closed."

“Fat people annoy me. I have compassion, believe me; I know obesity can be an addiction or a disease. But they drive me nuts with their excuses. They’re not big-boned, they’re fat. And they crowd me on airplanes and they eat excessive amounts of food that starving children need and they cause healthcare costs to skyrocket. Worst of all, they let their kids get fat. Six year olds shouldn’t be having bypass surgery. Obesity numbers are skyrocketing. Illegal immigrants can’t get in anymore; there’s no more room…People are so immense, they can’t even walk. They ride Rascal scooters. Really fast. Have you been to Las Vegas recently? They roar through the casino buffet like a Harley gang tear-assing through a small town…” 

Crystal also admitted that he’s a Liberal who is drifting to the right, including a fantasy of killing Jared Loughner. Jared's the grinning psycho who opened fire on a politician meeting with constituents in a shopping mall. He killed a young girl and five others: “Six people are dead, a great woman is permanently damaged, and he’s going to spend the rest of his life in prison? We’re paying to keep that sick smile on his face? Up until then, I was against the electric chair. Now I’m for the electric stadium…everybody stands for the national anthem, and when they all sit down, we throw the switch and get rid of all the crazies at once….”

"Remember Billy Joel’s song “Angry Young Man?” It’s a great song, but the lyric: “He’ll go to his grave as an angry old man” now has a troubling resonance.”