CHILL, Camcorder Fanboy Asshole

This year's CHILLER may have even STRONGER SECURITY than ever. That's because these stupid Memorabilia Shows are breeding grounds for FANBOY PESTS.

Over the years, attendees have been increasingly ambushed at their signing tables by ugly, obese, pushy, stupid FANBOY PESTS. They shout, "I got a public access cable show," or "I'm gonna upload this to YOUTUBE," and sit down saying, "I just need five minutes." 

The poor celebrity can't say NO, because the camera is running. Who wants the humiliating and embarrassing spectacle of an uploaded GOOTUBE where a guy is whining, "I just wanna ask ya three questions," and the woman is shouting, "Would you GO away? Would you PLEASE go?" 

And so for years, there's been the spectacle of a forlorn B-lister or D-lister having to put up with DUMBASS questions from a CLUELESS UGGO. 

It's up to the VENUE to protect the signers from being overrun by obnoxious lunatics. These small-time PESTS don't care that they get 100, 200 hits for their amateur babbling. They actually think they're going to be tapped by "Entertainment Tonight" as a roving interviewer. Never mind that they're ugly, stupid, can't ask an intelligent question, dress badly and sound like frogs. 

Over the years, relentless assholes (they seem to be named Darren, but there are others) think they're stars. They even invest in fancy graphics, and make up "production" names for credits, Like...

They even pester some computer geek friend to maybe make up a logo for their "show," with their pictures on it. WOWEE ZOWEE

Then they pay their admission price, and the two morons go out in search of celebrities to pester. One of them holds the camera and the other breathlessly says:

"Hey everybody, I'm here at the D-List Convention, and I'm going over to pester this TV STAR! Come on, let's go! Watch me weave my way through the crowd, and if WE'RE LUCKY, I'll be able to shove my microphone in her face and get her to SAY SOMETHING TO ME! Won't that be KEWL? Here we GO!" 

You'd think THIS idiot is a little too old to be a fanboy? Nope, this guy stays in Mommy's basement, even if Mommy's long dead. Like Norman Bates' mother, she can be embalmed and left sitting in a chair. Sonny Boy comes home and says, "Guess what, Mom, I got another CELEBRITY interview I'm gonna HOIST TO GOOTUBE! She's not as pretty as YOU, Mom, you'll always be my girl. But it IS nice to stand next to a living female, even if it's for only five seconds, which averages out to $4 per second. I did have to buy an autographed photo..." 

Here he is, his buddy with the camcorder turned on trailing behind him, ambushing the star and saying, "You're on camera! Take a look at this GREAT poster. I know you're the Cat Woman but here, you've been turned into the Cat Queen by some dweeb who thinks he'll get a comic book company to risk a lawsuit because he's ripping off YOU and STAR TREK! Isn't that a great drawing of you and Nimoy???" 

Boy is she looking HAPPY!!!!

Yes, you've got to pity the performers who put up with this shit. They want to make some money, they want to meet some humble fans, and instead they have FANBOY jackasses who want to be TV INTERVIEWERS and play their stupid fantasy games.

FAN...BOY? These guys are in their 30's and 40's! These Peter Pan morons NEVER GROW UP. Some of them age into... FAN GEEZERS! 

Below is a 60-something senile dimwit who has his own "SHOW." It's on his own GooTube "CHANNEL" and he thinks he's a star. He gets the usual 100 or 200 hits no matter who he's pestered into losing five minutes of their life.  

This nattering bore is in fantasyland. He thinks he's another Larry King. He has dreams he'll be asked to host a show on CNN or...even network! It's not too late for him to be JOHNNY. Hand him a microphone, have a cloddish friend point a cheap Best Buy camcorder at him and his hapless subject, and he's ready to BORE. 

Here's a bit of actual transcript from this sleepy-eyed dope, who as you see is making his subject pretty nauseous.

"Hi everybody, this is the most exciting interview I’m doing at this convention." (Yeah, nice of him to put on a decent shirt and a tie for the occasion!)  

"She’s the most gorgeous woman in the world, with legs that go from here to Chicago, and back." (Huh? Is that a compliment? The woman has heard plenty of references to her legs, and a witless yammer is not impressing her. She just knows she's trapped for five minutes and will try not to throw up.) 

"You might remember her from Annie Oakley."

(She wasn't in "Annie Oakley." She has to try and figure out what this idiot might be thinking of. She mentions that she was in LIL ABNER)

"Lil Abner! That's what I was thinking of. She was in that film and such a gorgeous creature." 

(Right, nothing is more of a compliment than to be called a "Creature." Especially by a toad-faced old clod who is in a total fog.) 

"Then of course we know you, you were in that thing, you were in that movie, the brothers!" 

SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS

With? 

JANE POWELL

No. The blond. I can’t remember her name. Isn’t that terrible?

RUTA LEE

Ruta Lee whom I love and adore! 

Anyway, I'm glad to talk to THIS gal. THIS gal is one of the nicest people in show business.

(He's calling her a "gal." He still hasn't asked her a meaningful question, but that's not stopping him from babbling and nattering on and on.) 

"She’s kind, she’s soft, she’s sweet, she’s a poetress!" (That's not a typo, that's what he said. Why he said she's "soft" is anyone's guess. Maybe he insisted on shaking her hand and that was enough to send him into delerium.) 

"She's old styled Hollywood. She’s adorable!"

(What a compliment, to be called "old styled." How nice that a complete oaf finds her "adorable." Now it's time to ask a hard-hitting question).

"Tell me what are you doing?"

(Sadly, the celebrities who do these embarrassing GooTube interviews have to come up with witty remarks, have to repeat their resumes, and have to find something impressive to say besides "I'm here signing photos taken of me 30 years ago." )

Over the past five or ten years, the memorabilia convention personnel have been told, more and more emphatically, MORE SECURITY IS NEEDED. Do NOT let people with CAMCORDERS disrupt the lines. DON'T think that these cheesy, amateurish and crappy GooTube videos make your venue look good. 

Celebrities at the level of "Sign the photo for $20" or "stand next to this asshole for $20" are a bit easy to cajole into five minutes of time-wasting humiliation via a fanboy and some henchman with a camcorder. Hopefully security WILL be tight at Chiller and the bozos told to CHILL.