SAM SMITH WON'T SHARE GRAMMY FOR PETTY THEFT

You know Sam Smith. He's the fat-faced over-achieving "working man's pudding" who solemnly emotes like a farting rhinocerous.

With his shitty hairstyle and his moon face and his boring, droning vocals, he presents himself as the mournful, sappy, less-than-heterosexual face of the U.K.'s dwindling white population. He looks like he's out of a job, and he's proven to be out of ideas. In other words, he stole half of his hit song from somebody else.

Given that the music industry condones stealing, and that the RIAA and the rest would prefer you don't e-mail them about blogs that routinely give away music, it's no surprise that a tepid no-talent like Sam Smith would as soon steal as take the time to be creative.

Most music fans thought there was something familiar about "Stay With Me," which wasn't even an original name for a song. Most music fans also thought there was something familiar about Sam's singing style, which melds the self-conscious whine of a Peter Gabriel with the agonized warble of a choirboy with the vicar's dick up his ass.

Even the garbagemen (and women) who run the Grammy Awards aren't upset that one of their nominated songs is stolen goods. As far as these good people are concerned, what Sam Smith did is no different than what niggas do, which is to "sample" a song, and declare it NEW.

Nigga logic from the Grammy Awards. If moon-face wins, we'll let him mewl his "thank you" and walk away, and Tom Petty can stay in his seat. If he's even invited.

It's fortunate that the same courts that upheld various cases of abuse among the Whiter Shades of rock musicians have ruled that Petty gets 25% now. Bad luck, Sam, but Petty finally had enough of thievery. You might remember, Tom was a patient gentleman when the awfully-named Red Hot Chili Peppers stole from "Mary Jane's Last Dance" when they issued "Dani California." At the time, he said, " I saw an interview with them where they actually admitted it. That made me laugh out loud. I was like, "OK, good for you." It doesn't bother me... I think there are enough frivolous lawsuits in this country without people fighting over pop songs."

Somehow, he changed his mind. So good for you, Tom, you pointy-nosed wimpy-haired ant-eater skull. It's about time you sent the right message. I mean, the guy's name is Tom Petty, not Tom Sam Smith Zinfuck Chili Peppers Petty.

PS, we're all "influenced" by others. Nobody's completely original. John and Paul used to sit around saying, "Let's write a Chuck Berry song...let's do a Buddy Holly song..." but they tried to make their work as fresh and new as possible.

A real "artist" wants to express his own personality and view, and not just be a fucking hack.

I acknowledge that here. I have my influences among rude, outspoken comedians and boat-rockers. Very slightly, one of them would be Howard Stern. I say very slightly, because we're of the same vintage. I didn't grow up influenced by HIM. But I do appreciate that he's "shocked" people by being truthful and sometimes funny. And by coincidence, I see that he recently had a few words to say about Sam Smith. They are worth quoting:

Did you like Sammy-Sweet's Tweet response? "IGNORE." You can just see him huffing and rolling his eyes. Just...like..a...WOMAN.