Here, Prince - But WHY? William and Kate Middleton in NYC

"The United Kingdom's most famous couple..." are in NYC.

Really? Katy Perry's tits?

No. Aw.

Jonathan Ross and his shower buddy Russell Brand?

No, wrong again. Woss is unknown here and we like it that way. Simpering androgyne Russell Brand is enough. And why anyone thinks he's a wit rather than a twit is impossible to figure.

OH. Yes. Of course.

"The Duke and Duchess" aka "Prince William and Kate," aka Baldie and the Babymaker, are HERE.

WHY?

"If I'm being honest," that's not a snarky question, just a genuine one.

What the FUCK does this accomplish?

"They plan to visit several key spots and take part in charitable activities."

Oh. Can you elaborate?

"On Sunday, the couple will attend a private engagement on behalf of the American Friends of the Royal Foundation."

What the fuck is that? America has been very friendly with the British since, oh, after 1812, I suppose. Has anyone forgotten the rousing reception we gave The Beatles? What do these two need with "American Friends" when the British public lives in poverty and over-taxed misery paying for their silken knickers?

On Monday, The Duke (not Gene Chandler, who just plays the obscure Oldies circuit) will be in Washington, D.C. attending a conference. On what?

Sham hair-growing products?

Why there's no box set of Linda Thorson "Avengers" episodes?

The total indifference to Procol Harum's tour of small venues in the midst of a hot, humid heat wave?

You might as well explain to us whether you are, in fact, a PRINCE or a DUKE. Or are you a hybrid PUKE?

While Willie goes winking in Washington, his much better half "will visit the Northside Center for Child Development in Harlem with first lady Chirlane McCray."

First off, IF I'M BEING HONEST, the flabby-labia loonies in Harlem are having NO PROBLEM in "Child Development." They do it every 9 months, and often produce twins.

Secondly, why does a white British woman who will never work a day in her life, give a damn about Niggas and how they pay for their nappies?

Thirdly, what the fuck makes her interested in a center that nobody outside of Harlem even heard of?

PS, Note to Kate: "First Lady," in this context, doesn't refer to Michelle Obama, who only happens to be married to The President. It refers to the black wife of giant, albino capybara Bill De Blasio, who actually changed his last name (it was German) because he loves Mussolini more than Hitler.

De Blasio is the pussy-whipped imbecile who got elected by promising that the cops would never "stop and frisk" anyone "of color" ever again. And now? Oh, an idiot rookie cop got scared and shot "an unarmed black" in a dark stairwell, and another idiot cop, in trying to subdue "an unarmed black" aka "gentle giant," used a choke hold that proved fatal.

The city has been having endless protests and death threats against the cops...so, NICE TIMING, Duke and Duchess. Happily for you, blacks don't read the newspapers and won't know you're in their 'hood. They be in Times Square or wherever Al Sharpton tells them to show up and start bellowing.

Chirlane McCray (she doesn't use her married name) is probably a role model of some kind. She shows politicians all over the world that you don't have to be attractive or competent to get a position of power. Just look like a gorilla and put your powerful hooks into the neck of a pliant hack politician.

So much for Monday.

By Monday night, lucky Prince Willie will have flown back to NYC from Washington, D.C. and not having gotten his fill of nuts, will drag the lucky Duchess of Cambridge (do we call her Princess??) to...get this...a BASKETBALL GAME. He'll get to observe a bunch of nuts roaring over ten pieces of chocolate showing off by dunking basketballs into hoops not much taller than they are. In case you were wondering, no, the N.Y. Nets are not remotely doing well. They (and the New York Knicks) SUCK. "If I'm being honest."

For Kate, it'll be a continuation of "Black Monday." First, the black women of Harlem popping brats from their bottoms almost as fast as McDonalds packages hamburgers. Next, the black guys who run around in their underwear dribbling their balls.

The Duke and Duchess will no doubt be impressed by the sound of sneakers squeaking on sweaty hardwood flooring for about 90 minutes, and a stadium full of blacks (except for the first few expensive rows of seats, where small white guys sit and stare in awed silence).

There was a time when visiting British royalty were expected to go see a Broadway show, visit Lincoln Center, or indulge in some other cultural activity. Now? It's all about niggas, yo. "They will also...visit inner city youth organizations." Inner city. That means...it's STILL all about niggas, yo.

So tell me, Prince and Kate, you don't have any blacks back home? Or is there something wrong with the color on my TV set when I'm watching Dereck Chisora?

Through it all, the royal couple will be staying at The Carlyle. Huh? "If I'm being honest," what the FUCK are they doing at a posh East Side hotel like THAT? It's got expensive paintings on the wall. The small nightclub in the hotel lobby used to host Ute Lemper and Woody Allen and other white and avant-garde performers. Surely, you two would be more comfortable staying at a Holiday Inn in the beloved cultural mecca of HARLEM? You can walk around 125th, and go to the famous APOLLO THEATER or a "soul food" restaurant? Bill Clinton knows the area and he's MUCH more fun that DeBlasio's bitch could ever be. Something's very, VERY wrong with The Carlyle. It's too PC (appealing to PALE CUNTS, you two).

Now, "If I'm being honest," I have no big problem with The Royals. If the British populace is too stupid to end the ridiculous and racist "tradition" of honoring people who are BETTER than others by BIRTH, then they can suffer with spending way too much on these clowns.

My problem is they should dress like a real Prince and Princess should. The Prince should be wearing some kind of faux-military garb, or maybe even a crown. Kate? She should be like Cinderella at the ball, wearing about 50 miles of lace and crinoline and silver threads among the gold and a tiara, too. Or, she should just walk around suntanned and topless like she seems to like to do when lounging around in Italy, France, or other countries.

"IF I'M BEING HONEST," Kate should've come to NYC not when it's dreary and cold, but when it's bright hot and sunny, and lounged topless in Central Park.

I like Kate. She's a commoner, right? She's kind of pretty. She has a wonderful British name, evocative of KISS ME KATE. And Middleton? How wonderful that it wasn't UPTON. Or Superiorton. Nah, just Middleton. Middy from the Block. And when the wind flies up, she's wearing knickers! You can't tell if she's shaved in Little Hampton.

Welcome to New York City.

If I'm being honest...I don't give a rat's ass. I could give a dead mouse, but I'm not going to take it away from the cat just for YOU two.