"MONKEY HIPS AND RICE" in the Rock HALL OF FAME

I was glad to read a blogger friend's look at the new inductees into the "Hall of Fame." A thorough rock historian, he not only had good points to make, but mentioned a few extra idiots I'd forgotten were also inducted this year. Like...

"The Five Royales."

You remember them. Not.

White people have such guilt over the origins of rock and roll. They all seem to think it came from Louis Jordan and other black jive acts. There's a LONG way to go from "Five Guys Named Moe" to The Dave Clark Five. And as fab as Little Richard and Chuck Berry were, they never progressed to the level of The Beatles. So many dopey black acts like "The Five Royales" did the same stupid shit over and over and then broke up. They never evolved. They could never come up with "A Whiter Shade of Pale," since they weren't.

Since the most obvious AND influential black R&B and doo-wop soloists and groups are already in the Hall, it's come down to adding inconsequential pretenders. We already HAVE The Great Pretenders (The Platters) fer Chrissake. "The Five Royales" are also-rans. You listen to some piece of shit like "Monkey Hips and Rice" (which I heard for the first time just now courtesy of Steal-Tube) and all you can think is, "Yeah? So? If I wanted more of Louis Jordan I might buy some of this crap?"

There are some black artists you really don't have to excuse. I don't listen to Little Richard or Chuck Berry, but sure, they should be in the hall and not sweeping it. I'll listen more often to The Four Tops (I think they maybe had four hit songs you can tolerate in a row) and The Coasters (who can get very jivey and annoying). That I don't really give much of a damn about The Temptations, The Drifters or The Miracles (except for one or two hit songs) is no big deal. But speaking of NO BIG DEAL, that would be the fucking FIVE ROYALES, who don't belong when even The Marcels remain on the outside. Not to mention such non-blacks as The Shadows.

An interesting question is whether the Hall of Fame is strictly American or not. Apparently it is, since it's in Cleveland. Nobody's looking to England for acts that influenced American rock (as seems to be the case with The Shadows vs The Ventures). In America everyone knows and loves (or likes) The Ventures. They had that twangy "surf" sound, which could easily have been influenced by Duane Eddy or any number of people.

Anyway...aside from the dubious FIVE ROYALES, I failed to mention Bill Withers.

It was an oversight, really.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know....

Christ, we ALL love that fucking "Ain't No Sunshine" song, huh? Now name ANOTHER Bill Withers song. Can't? Didn't think so.

But hey, we all love a good pedophile song, and guys like Withers and Chuck Berry (and Jerry Lee Lewis) seemed to have their eye on the "only sixteen" brand of pussy. The kind, as the lovable Bill Hicks once put it, that looks more like a paper cut than a cunt.

Sang Bill Withers:

"Hey, I ought to leave the young thing alone, But ain't no sunshine when she's gone..."

At this point, being in the Hall of Fame has no relevance. In baseball, it does, because this was the original "Hall of Fame" for triviality. A guy who makes the Hall of Fame will even sign "H.O.F." after his name. This is especially true of some of the lesser baseball players in there...the ones who didn't get in on the first ballot, or who are in their 60's and 70's and not well remembered. "Hey, I'm in the Hall of Fame..."

But some of the idiots in the ROCK Hall? Come on! They're as pathetic as the people in Rockhall.

Louis Armstrong? What's rock about him? Chet Atkins? LaVerne Baker? Bobby Blue Bland? Bob Wills? Ruth Brown? The Dells? Willie Dixon? Mahalia Jackson? Wanda Jackson? Jelly Roll Morton? Professor Longhair? Ma Rainey?

There's a whole category of "Shouldn't be in the ROCK Hall of Fame."

Most nefarious are, indeed, the Green Day types...who get in ONLY because it's a way of making 20-somethings pay attention or pay to get in. These wet-behind-the-ass jackasses piss in their pants over such dubious pissants as The Beastie Boys, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Run DMC, Talking Heads and Public Enemy.

Who knows what the definition is, or should be? Herman's Hermits are famous. Everybody knows their stupid shit. They don't get in but The Dells do? Procol Harum had THE biggest hit song in the history of British radio. They were a bunch of stiffs on stage (some of them unsightly too) but LaVerne Baker is more important?? Indeed, what separates The Byrds from The Monkees? That The Byrds covered a few Bob Dylan tunes? Hey hey, The Monkees were the TV version of The Beatles! That should count for something. Or not. I'd be for keeping The Monkees out AND revoking The Byrds.

Actually the best thing would be to learn that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame burned down. Or better yet, was blown up by Muslims. Rock exists on the other side of the music world. We like to think of is as "alternative" and dangerous, "subversive" and stuff old people hate. We think of our singers and songwriters and groups as kindred spirits in mocking convention and exploring inner emotions and being music to fuck to and being music that fucks with our heads. It's not Glenn Miller. It's not Chet Atkins, either. Or Bob Wills. Or The Five Royales. Or Joan Jett....