Bill's record label GURGLE issues a REJECTION

"Actually," Bill Hoobastank admits, "My sister told me I could NOT sign this group! I have such little taste, I just about idolize anyone. I find everything fascinating including 10,000 photos of food on my plate at restaurants. I love the sound of my stomach gurgling and my farts trumpeting an alert of sludgy shit coming out. BUT...I had to turn down this band. It's sad, because, like Shauna, this act has such an IMPRESSIVE number of hits on GooTube!"

"My sister said I couldn't offer a record deal to this guy. She said if I did, I'd never be able to stand next to Ben Vereen or get an autograph from Jimmie Walker. I told her I wasn't sure, but maybe this was social satire. Then again, look at that guy. He doesn't look too smart, does he?"

One of the few bands to be rejected by "Pay to Play" venues, club owners even in the worst hovels of Grimsby, say the leader is dead serious about being a tasteless moron. His new identity is being a hopeless black virgin who is constantly called a racist name and dismissed as silly...and slaps at his guitar with one bad chord and drones "Fuck Off" in response.

"He claims he's going for pathos," says Bill. "I agree, he's pathetic. I do feel sorry for anyone who is as fat as I am. I also feel sorry for someone who smells like he needs one of my adult diapers."

The singer insists he has more than enough re-worked Jolson songs for an album. These include:

TOOT TOOT TOOTSIE, THE TRAIN TO THE BUS TO THE TRAIN GOT DERAILED IN CLEETHORPES.

ROCK-A-BYE YOUR BABY WITH A SONG THAT DID NOT CHART.

THERE'S A RAINBOW 'ROUND MY SHOULDER, SWEAT STAINS 'ROUND MY WAIST, AND RINGWORM ON MY TOES.

SHAUNA'S RAGTIME BAND: SHE'S ON THE RAG AGAIN.

GIVE MY RETARDS TO BROADWAY.

DIRTY HANDS, DIRTY FACE, AND ABSOLUTELY FILTHY KNICKERS.

WHEN THE RED RED ROBIN STARTS BOB BOB BOBBIN' HIS HEAD IN THE LAP OF A GAY GUY AT PLEASUREDOME.

LET ME SING AND I'M HAPPY, BUT I'M THE ONLY ONE.

ARE YOU LOATHESOME TONIGHT.

IS IT TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT DICKHEADS?

OH YOU BEAUTIFUL DOLL, YOU GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL BLOW-UP DOLL.