Fat and Fatter - Bill Goes into Space by Staying in New Jersey

"It's ME, Bill Hoobastank! I have been granted rebuttal by the misanthropic blogger who keeps posting 'humorous' remarks about me and my very healthy hobby of paying to pose with D-list celebrities and acting like a giddy schoolgirl about it.

"I am NOT a schoolgirl! I am a 61 year-old overweight librarian. ANYHOO, I had a great time at the convention, and a wonderful dinner at Applebees after which I and my friend (who is fatter than I am) had ANOTHER dinner at the "all you can eat" Olive Garden.

"My only disappointment is Laura Bush doesn't do signing shows. I'd love her to sign a photo I downloaded that was Photoshopped so brilliantly and posted by a Dutchman even fatter than me and my friend put together. ANYHOO..."

"Here is me and Gorgeous George. Guess who we were lucky enough to pose with??

"Yes, HOW many years ago was "The Exorcist?" Over 40 fucking years ago! Fortunately for Linda, who is at this fucking convention EVERY year, now that she's lowered her price a little, she got a sale. Still, she was too expensive for us to get individual pix with her, so we chipped in enough for ONE shot. Good thing my camera has a wide-angle lens!

"You might ask, 'Where's your wife, Bill?' You might. I don't! Let's just say that I like bumping bellies with a like-minded fan boy from time to time. You can't expect women to understand why grown men would skip over to stand next to the robot from "Lost and Space" and act like we've accomplished something equal to landing on the moon. Look at our grave expressions of triumph!"

"One small step for man....? Fuck that! How about TWO overweight overaged numbskulls standing stock still and posing with an inanimate object that never left Earth's orbit?"

"But that wasn't all. As you saw from a previous post, I got my picture taken with the kid stars from "Lost in Space." Wowie Zowie! Eat 'em up, YUM! And and guess what, parked outside the hotel was that dopey dune buggy prop that everybody on the show rode around in! The "Batmobile" was parked too, but off in a lot that was too dark for me to get any good pictures. But me and my bosom buddy did get to go INSIDE THE LOST IN SPACE fake dune buggy! Why it was better than advertised!

"WOW!

"We got to go inside and look at this buggy, with all the non-functioning buttons and stuff!

"We might be too old to ride a roller coaster, but we could sit our huge butts in this oversized van mocked-up to seem like it could navigate Mars or something.

"Yes, the few hours at the memorabilia show gave us lots of memories, but thanks to photography, we don't have to rely on what we Alzheimer's patients have already forgotten. We can gloat and show off that WE WERE THERE and the photos are PROOF! We don't know any celebrities in real life. Couldn't talk to even a D-lister without that person yawning and asking for payment. We live in idiotic New Jersey but we sure can drive to an out-of-the-way location in Parsippany, which isn't even within walking distance of a bus or train station, and is literally an HOUR's ride (if not TWO) from civilization.

"Yep, the people who run this thing cater to couch potato idiots who have dull jobs, dull homes, and drive dull cars around and dumbly toss down twenty dollar bills to stand next to people. Hey, Linda Blair was a star FORTY YEARS AGO! And I got to stand next to her with my porcine, obese, sort of gamey-smelling friend George! YEEEEEEEE HAH! I can hardly wait for NEXT YEAR!!"