They're DEAD and CHILLER knows it

Fat, sweaty, smelly guys who NEVER grew up, and are over 50 years old with over 50 inch waistlines...are...

...counting down the hours till the CHILLER Theatre convention begins. That's Friday the 23rd.

As mentioned, this is a two-floor literal monstrosity with assholes in costume (now trendily called "COSPLAY") and others looking like they're in costumes (Bill Hoobastank).

They're throwing down wet $20 bills for stupid comic books, inane "action" figures, and the chance to breathe on a Playboy centerfold from 20 years ago, a D-list sci-fi idiot, or a HEAVY METAL jerk who can't get work.

IF I'M BEING HONEST, I liked Alice Cooper. For a few years. When I didn't know any better. Fer Chrissake, what the FUCK does "School's Out" mean to someone NO LONGER IN SCHOOL? Why hold on to "Welcome to My Nightmare" or even "Ballad of Dwight Fry," especially as sung by a guy who never really could sing?

And yet, there will be idiots going to the memorabilia show precisely because Alice's back-up band of losers will be there.

Years ago, the event was just for overgrown dolts in love with old monster movies, creepy slasher shit, and D-list scream queens. It was always a stifling, obnoxious experience but you might suddenly glimpse somebody who was once on a favorite sitcom, or in a favorite old movie. You might find that a Jonathan Harris or a Ruth Buzzi would give you the time of day even if you didn't buy anything. You complimented them, maybe told them a stupid anecdote, they thanked you, and that was it. You had a nice little buzz, you did NOT ask to take their picture or do a selfie, and they waited patiently for somebody to come along and pay for a signed photo.

Soon enough, the Chiller pricks realized they could and should add aging rock stars to the mix. Some, like Alice Cooper's henchmen, had some vague "Chiller" connection, since they sang about murder or mayhem. But others?

ALSO on hand to sit and smirk at a table and pretend to still be cool:

Can you imagine the IQ of people who recognize ANY of the above and would PAY for a photo op or a picture??????

Also on hand will be Karla DeVito, but since she covered a Martin Briley song, and once sang a duet with Meatloaf (or was it Ellen Foley, or did Karla do it on tour in place of Foley) let's consider her part of the "scream queen" and Playmate bunch, and not one of the rock D-listers.

Let's instead thumb the virtual nose at THESE two. You mean, Carmine, you have something better to do than show up for all three days? Or are you doing an internal drip of seasick medicine for that Moody Cruise thing, and you have to go back to the IV after one day up and around?

As for Gary, well, it's hard to make fun of somebody you haven't heard of. Except to repeat that there should be something called a P-lister, which is a D-lister in the purgatory of actually being lower in the alphabet.

A stupid non-event like this wouldn't be nearly so ridiculous and scornworthy if it was held in a normal location easy to get to, if it wasn't crowded worse than a subway car at rush-hour, and the humidity and body odor didn't make you feel ready to collapse.

To quote Mr. Ochs, "I am a stranger to all surprises," especially something like this, where the surprise is that Abe Vigoda is still alive and would consent to a fucking hour-long limo ride from his apartment on 72nd Street to fucking Parsippany, just to have his eyes blinded by flash pictures while yucking idiots tossed down the twenties he doesn't need. I suppose he can feel a certain ego lift that he can get good money for doing nothing for an hour, and be treated to cheers from smart-ass jerks who can laugh and say "Didn't know he was still alive."

PS, if he wasn't Abe Vigoda and getting a free limo ride, he'd have to hope to find somebody willing to drive him, OR, pay $100 fucking dollars ($88 and the tip) to use a car service. And that's ONE WAY.