RED ALERT - AND MORE SLIMY TOWEL, TOO

It's been a bad morning. I read the news today, oh boy.

First off, Marty Ingels died, which is of little importance to most people. The headlines were mostly "Shirley Jones' husband," and then something about how he was a comedian and later a talent agent.

Marty was sort of a Jewish Red Skelton, he was tall, childlike, had a crooked grin, and played good natured fools who meant well but were a little aggressive and lacked some social skills. The typical "man child." He seemed on the verge of stardom when he and John Astin starred in an intelligent slapstick sitcom called "I'm Dickens He's Fenster."

The show had a pedigree of good writers, a very seasoned supporting group of character actors, and a talented director, too. The theme song was even written by one of the best in the business (who gently swiped from the Laurel & Hardy theme to make a point about what the show would be like).

Anyway, the show only lasted a season. Astin went on to his signature role as Gomez Addams and Marty...suffered a breakdown that left him literally on his back on the floor of his apartment.

He endured all kinds of career-crippling phobias and it didn't help that he was a genuine asshole. I mean, in a nice way. He was just not the type of guy you'd want to be around because he was full of vexations and he could also be deadly serious, almost to the point of paranoia. He somehow met and pursued Shirley Jones, his exact opposite.

They didn't exactly become a "team" because by then Marty was older, and childlike comedians are never very funny over 40. So she starred in her sitcom, and did other things, and mostly Marty supported her, did voice-over work, and did the best he could with his phobias (including, of course, not being able to set foot on an airplane and having to take trains everywhere).

OK, he was 79. He had a stroke, and died from complications. I checked his Facebook page and it was marked "deactivated." Like Marty.

The rest of the show biz news? JEEZ.

In a move that might make Shauna Cuntwell wet, GOOTUBE is going to set up a PAY service. I'm sure Shauna will figure that she'll become a star, and GOOTUBE will be looking to ways to promote her. Actually, I'll bet that GOOTUBE is just jealously seeing how well Netflix has done as a streaming service. So GOOGLE, like AMAZON, just copies what it can't outright own. GOOTUBE will pay for new programming, block all the good stuff that gets alot of hits, and make people PAY for it all. As if running commercials before you could see certain clips wasn't craven enough.

Meanwhile, on "regular" commercial TV:

The egomaniac returns. He drove "American Idol" into the ground. He technically has NO credential for being hired, except he owns the fucking show. So, in a bid to once again be super-famous and important in America, here comes Slimy Simon.

"America's Got Talent" is the #1 show in America during the summer (when most everything else is summer re-runs.) The show rumbles along for about four goddam months. FOUR GODDAM MONTHS. It's slick. It makes sure to load up on professional acts. This year's winner was a BRITISH VENTRILOQUIST who has been a pro for 20 years. HOW does he get to be on an AMERICAN talent show? One of the runners-up was Scottish: Steve Wright, aka "Stevie Starr," also a pro for over 20 years. So Slimy Towel will fit right in, especially since he figures he's the ONLY one who can replace the great Howard Stern.

Stern was not really hilarious in a bastardly way. He morphed into the best judge because he was honest, and actually had good taste. Still, the image of Stern as a troublemaker meant that he needed to be replaced by someone "edgy." IF I'M BEING HONEST, I thought maybe they'd bring back Piers Morgan, but the show is too big now, and Cowell is jealous about staying well known in America.

Even though he's become pretty boring on "Britain's Got Talent," he's willing to spend FOUR FUCKING MONTHS doing the same fucking garbage in America, if he can go to parties, be cheered everywhere, and act bratty. Like the birthday boy who controls the party, it'll be all about what SIMON thinks, what SIMON wants, and is SIMON happy.

Too bad the fucking show doesn't switch to GOOTUBE and be "pay per view." That would sink GOOTUBE's "RED" Channel AND Slimy Towel. They'd be as dead as Marty Ingels.