Portable Toilet Spotters - Bill Hoobastank and Wife

"You mean, you want to interview us?" laughs Bill Hoobastank. "It's so nice when ordinary average people can get into the paper, just by having an unusual hobby!"

Mr. and Mrs. Hoobastank have pissed in EVERY "Port-a-Potty" portable toilet in New Jersey.

"We took photos and wrote down the serial numbers, so we have proof!" mumbled Mrs. Hoobastank, who also has the habit of going into every bar in New Jersey and getting bombed.

The Hoobastanks have strict rules and regulations. "It has to be a genuine Port-a-Potty or Call-a-Head, not any other company that might install temporary toilet stalls at street fairs, rock concerts or memorabilia conventions and marathons."

According to hobbyist rules, it's permissable to open every door on a row of portable toilets, and go from one to the other depositing piss on the seats. Mrs. Hoobstank has gotten very good at "toilet seat spotting," and squatting like a bitch and tinkling a little, then moving on. "It does require either good pussy control or, in my case, none at all. At my age incontinence makes it easy for me to maintain a steady drip."

Bill, too, has found that at his age, he is often able to just waddle from stall to stall, leave spots, take a photo, and keep going.

"I know it's not nice for the next person, but if we pee a little in the bowl, you can't see it. You can see the drops much clearer when they are on the seat, and it's easier to use the camcorder to record ourselves dripping onto the seat, too!"

WHAT, people want to know, is the fascination with toilet-spotting?

"Oh, ho," Bill laughs, "it's just something to do. If you're simple-minded, it really occupies your time a lot easier than a crossword puzzle, or trying to understand Jonathan Ross's jokes on the telly. We never did learn how to use the Internet, and our attention span isn't suited to books. I'd go to boot sales, but I keep running into an asshole with his dog Muffin, who keeps muttering about wanting to own everything Rolf Harris ever recorded, but not to pay too much for any of it."

Bill continues: "This isn't the only thing I do, you know. I take photos of myself sucking my teeth while standing next to celebrities!" As for Mrs. Hooberstank? "I sell my panties on eBay, but I'm careful to say "I'm wearing these to show how they look, and will send a new pair."

The average moron can become "famous" by collecting spoons, wearing body make-up and waving signs at every sporting event, or by marrying a Kardashian. It's a fascinating world out there, and it's not restricted to the talented.

"I've gotta go," said Bill Hooberstank. And he meant it. And there was no port-a-potty nearby, either.